Childhood memories
In this article, the four very close classmates of 10th, the standard used to meet in the evening, invariably and go for the evening walk through the market areas. This article recalls the innocence attached to our friendship forty-five years back and compares that with the present-day difficult atmosphere-where bullying in the school arena has become very challenging, especially in our south Asian countries. Daily various topics were discussed during this evening-stroll lasting for almost 90 minutes. We used to keep certain unsolved topics for the evening discussion for the stroll and, believe it or not we used to get invariably satisfactory answers during these evenings’ walk-the talk-discussions. Those walks were the learning phases of our late teens and maybe we got enlightened too, with some fragments of knowledge-making us also attentive to this competitive arena.
Early School Friends ‘Daily Evening Stroll’.
When I look back 45 years from now and recall,the innocence attached to our friendships, I feel myself to be one of the luckiest ones. The reason is very simple, and that is the state of affairs nowadays prevalent in schools. Most people aren’t aware of the huge problem in today’s school system-I am talking about ‘bullying’. This is a fast-growing problem, and it is shocking to discover how many kids are victims of this intimidation. And that they are going to school frightened and in danger every day while they are trying to focus on getting an education is unacceptable!
Not only do you have to deal with what’s going on at home, but you also have to deal with the issues at school. I know it’s hard at school to want to fit in, be noticed, and hang out with the crowd. The pressure to be accepted can consume you and coerce you to do things against your better judgment. You think your survival depends on networking and dodging your way into groups of individuals that you feel will raise you to the upper echelon of social status.
What is a closed social group or clique?
Friendship is an important part of a child’s development. Having friends helps children become independent from their families and prepares them for the trusting relationships we hope they will establish as adults. The groups of friends maintain important differences with the closed groups, or “cliques”. Friend groups are based on shared interests, sports, activities, classes, neighborhoods, or even family connections. In groups of friends, its members are free to socialize and hang out with people outside the group without worrying about being expelled from it. They may not do everything together, and it is okay to do so. Closed groups or cliques are sometimes formed around common interests, but the social dynamics are very different. These are “exclusive” and “exclusive” groups. They are usually under the strict control of the leaders, who decide who is “in” and who is “out.” The children in the closed group do most of the things together. Whoever has a friend outside the closed group may suffer rejection from the other members of the group or be ridiculed for it. The members of the group or clique usually follow the rules of the leader, be it by wearing particular clothing or doing certain activities. Closed groups often involve following many rules (implicit or clearly stated), as well as strong pressure to follow them. Children who are part of the group are often concerned about whether they will remain popular or will be expelled from the group for doing or saying the wrong thing, or for not dressing in a certain way. This can create a lot of pressure. Children can be pressured to take risks, such as stealing, teasing, or bullying other children, to remain part of the closed group. Children may also feel pressured to buy expensive clothes or to gossip or tease online. Closed groups are at their highest in secondary school, but problems with these types of groups can begin as early as 4th or 5th grade. When closed groups cause problems for most children, the pre-teen and teen years are a time to determine how they want to fit in and how they want to stand out. It is normal for children to feel insecure from time to time; who wish to be accepted; and to hang out with the kids who appear to be the most attractive, the coolest, or the most popular. But closed groups can cause lasting problems when children behave in ways that they find conflictive or that they know are wrong just to please the leader and continue to belong to the group. The closed group becomes antisocial or becomes a gang with unhealthy rules, such as losing weight or harassing others because of their appearance, disability, race, or ethnic group of belonging. a child is rejected by the closed group and feels isolated and alone.
How can parents help?
As children begin friendships and get involved in groups, parents can do a lot to support them. If your child seems unhappy or distressed or suddenly starts spending time alone when he used to be very sociable, ask what is wrong with him. Here are some tips: Talk about your own experiences. Share your own experiences at school (closed groups have been around forever). Put rejection in perspective. Remind your child of times when he has gotten angry with his parents, friends, or siblings, and how quickly things can change. Inform your child about social dynamics. Keep in mind that people are often judged on their looks or the way they act or dress, but that people are often cruel and like to put down others because of a lack of self-confidence, which they treat as something to hide while keeping control.
Close Knit friendship in our school days
During our school days, we somehow had a very close-knit friendship, which, as I compare it today, would come across as a deep one with a clear innocence attached. I may even say with no expectations or conditions attached. There was a phase in my later teens when I was in Matric standard and I had three more friends whom I used to meet at Parade Ground in the evening at around 6.30–7.00 PM, and then we used to discuss many things while having a walk down the city areas of Jammu. My other friends were Rajesh Khajuria, Deepak Mathu, and Kanwaljeet Singh. All of us were studying at the same school, and invariably in the evening, we used to meet and start our walk from Parade Ground inside the ground, and after making two or three rounds of the ground-we used to go to the city bazaar area and from there to the residency road and come back to Jain Bazaar from the Navi Sadak area. This whole walk would take some time, one and a half hours or even two hours.
In modern days, as someone who also feels antsy every evening, my advice would be to move around. Make lots of erratic movements. Grab something moderately weighted, and swing it around. The more positions you can move your body into, the more pressure you put on limbs that aren’t usually used that way, and the more you can use the muscles that desperately want to be moved. In modern times, when stress levels have gone multiple times higher and even if you feel slightly dizzy or experience a sort of ‘detached feeling’ from what is happening around you, pour water over your head and at the back of your neck”. Around four decades ago, it was “during the race’ good advice on the leaflet that we received before the race. Look at modern times where the race-like situation has already put all the young people to the test and their immediate action plans are trying them hard to clear those tests-the question of having a strong and bonded friendship becomes a very tough one.
Compare with 45 years back school day-friendship
Now compare it with my 45-year-old factual story, where the bond between the four of us was very strong and the level of innocence was very high, with each one of us passing through the teens of our initial phase. Happily, one would see a sea of change had already happened.
Rajesh was known to all of us by the nickname “Scientist” and Deepak was known as the “Philosopher” whereas Kanwaljeet Singh used to be called by us “Daeggie”.
That was his home pet name as well. The beauty was that Rajesh and Deepak were very intelligent as compared to me and Daeggie. Both of them were doing well in their studies as well. They had a very special knack for picking up on current topics and discussing them. We two—Daeggie and myself used to be mostly the listeners, and I sometimes used to add a question or two to their explanations. During those days, only when we were just fifteen or sixteen years old, Rajesh used to explain the principal mechanism of the atomic bomb and stuff like that. Believe me, whatever he used to tell us—all that had a solid sense of authenticity and logic—made us very serious about his explanations. Like-wise, Deepak was a very analytical type of person and a very intelligent chap. He used to top the class, and I never saw him putting in any special efforts for his class exams or even in his finals. But at the end of all the sessions, when the results were announced, he used to come out as the topper, beating many other aspirants by a big margin.
Likewise, Rajesh was no less than Deepak-His knowledge about the latest scientific developments coming in the news was up-to-date and we used to rather add up for our information some of that knowledge from him, requesting that he explain certain things that we could not understand. “Daeggie” was good company to all of us since he too was interested in knowing more and more about the topics being discussed mainly by these two, and, he had been very close to Rajesh right from the beginning, and that way he became a part of this group of four.
Rajesh once saved us from a snake just by his smart act.
I still remember once a medium-sized snake fell in my house’s open-veranda from the open sky. The moment it fell on the floor, it started struggling to recover from the hard fall and probably even from the injury it had gotten from the hawk, which was carrying it in the sky. All my neighbors got terrified seeing a snake on the veranda. Incidentally, Rajesh was at my house. He immediately asked for a big bottle, and we had the big beer bottle, which we gave him. He had a small, thin stick in his right hand, and with the help of that stick, he smartly directed the snake to enter the neck of the bottle and trapped the snake inside the transparent bottle alive. He saved all of us from further damage that way and took the same snake with him, saying that he would give it to the laboratory for further study. He was very inquisitive and intelligent as well.
After 1977, we all parted from each other since some of us went to college for the PUC, or 11th Standard, and others went to higher secondary schools for their 11th. We tried to be with each other, but the connection was not continued with some of them, and only Deepak remained in touch with me till late.
Now look at the destiny as the luck would have it
Deepak, being very intelligent, went in for MBBS, MD, and later did his IPS after his MD. He left the medical line and joined the police services, but as luck would have it, he died in Srinagar while serving the police services. He was hardly 33 years old. I had written a detailed blog on him sometime back. He was in touch with me till 1990 and had even remained in my marriage for almost all the marriage functions, but after that, he had chosen altogether a different line, and an unfortunate thing happened with him. I would always remember him for his affection, intelligence, and, above all, for his friendship, which was above all the other traits he had.
Look at the irony of events happening later in our lives
Rajesh, being very intelligent, went in for the research and doctorate in chemistry and even for the higher studies, but alas, he too died immediately after completing his Ph.D. at the Department of Chemistry at Punjab University. His leaving early gave a big blow to his family, and we yet again lost another valuable personality. Had he been still alive, he would have surely gotten into some invention, as we used to tell him seriously about the same. He had that bent, and he used to go into the micro-levels and come out with the logical conclusion. God did not keep him here with the rest of the mortals.
Daggy, I used to meet him even after 1990 when I went to my hometown, Jammu. He has been running his retail business in drugs, and the fourth one is your truly narrating all these incidents. some with a very heavy heart and some with pride.
Although I have a whole big list of very dear school friends, and with each one of them, I have a very dear bondage too, since the topic today was specific to the evening stroll with friends, I have kept it topic-specific.
Our walk in the evening was not a low-profile casual walk.
This had become a regular feature because it had developed a special attraction for all of us since we used to be eager to meet every day in the evening and learn many new things from our intelligent friends and their thought processes, which differed from the usual lot. I still remember that I used to keep certain unsolved topics for the evening discussion with these guys, and believe it or not, I used to get invariably satisfactory answers from these evenings’ walk-the-talk discussions only. Those walks were the learning phases of our late teens, and maybe we got enlightened too, with some fragments of knowledge, making us also adaptive in this competitive arena.
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